I’ve been absent for a couple of days.

Friday was our last day before spring break. We had a half-day and I went down to Milwaukee to watch two of the March Madness games, one of them being the Badgers. I got up early Saturday morning to go to Madison from Milwaukee to watch Championship Saturday, which is the state final games for Division 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 of high school boy’s basketball. Then, I got up early on Sunday morning for a trip back to Milwaukee for a full day in the city, including watching the Badger’s play at a bar in the Deer District.

It was a weekend packed full of the two things I love most – my people and basketball.

It got me thinking – when was the last time I had a weekend quite like that?

More so, when was the last time I truly enjoyed a weekend like that?

Since January of 2020 until January of 2022, I struggled with crippling anxiety and was on medication for some of that time.

Things that I used to love – big groups of people, going out and having some drinks, alone/leisure time, traveling, all became dreadful to me and gave me panic attacks.

For the first time since the Fall of 2019, I had this weekend, where I did what I wanted to do and fully enjoyed every single second of it without getting anxious once. The my first hot yoga class, the large groups of people, having some drinks, traveling, none of it.

And when the weekend was over, I was beyond sad – but a good sad. I was simply sad because it was over, not because I wished I would have enjoyed it more or change something about what was.

I am falling in love with life again.

And I have to say how proud I am of myself for not giving up, for fighting through a lot of uncomfortable feelings, especially in the past eight months to get to where I’m at. (This process might be a post in and of itself.)

I’m so happy I was able to be absolutely absent this weekend, soaking in every second of what was, even if that meant stepping away from my writing.

I know that I am blessed to be able to say this and I know there are people who are in the thick of what I was going through for two years. So, trust me, I know how un-fun that really is. I know. I hope this post serves as encouragement and a reminder that it will get better. (And if anyone wants to chat about it with me personally, you can send me an email – my link is on my homepage.)

I began drafting this post yesterday – March 21, 2022. As I continued writing it, more bubbled up than I was able to capture before bed and I decided to revisit the post today. I also knew that I had written about this before in my post titled “anxiety” during last year’s March Slice of Life. I read that this morning prior to continuing this post, which had a totally different tone than this post as I was in the thick of my struggle.

What was the date on it?

March 21, 2021.

Life is so uncanny. It’s incredible how much can change in a year.

love always, caitlin


3 thoughts on “absent

  1. >my people and basketball.<

    Both things are good for the soul. The people around you, the cheers (and boos) of the crowd, and the feeling that it is just right to be in that moment. I know how you feel and hope you continue to find yourself in those situations where you can see the change in yourself taking place.

    Thank you for this brave slice. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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